So I just finished up a few evening games of Rocket League. If you are unaware, Rocket League is a game where you drive a car with rocket boosters and try to score a large ball in your opponents goals by ramming your car into it. It sounds awesome because it is. I usually play with friends (REALLY I DO) but tonight I flew solo and listened to one of Jayme’s playlist that she created when we first started dating. It is always nice to be reminded of how deep our feelings have been since we started this journey together. There has been no doubt, there has been no epic fights, or even fleeting moments of concern. Jayme has been committed to me, to the idea of us since we first sat down for that night of Bingo. I am struck with that realization every time I listen to this playlist, look-back at pictures, or reminisce about our message strings.

The rain is falling right now, hard drops, soft drops, drops that splash, and drops that trickle. I close my eyes and listen to this song and I can see it, the moment I have been thinking about for so long, The moment when we realize what we have been moving towards. The day I get to hold her hand and ask her to take mine from now and for always. I see watching the rain on lazy Sundays, I see playing in puddles with a future family, I see driving through a storm with her by my side, secure and safe together.

My nights often end like this, at the computer writing about the woman who sleeps feet behind the white door. Trying to do right by her, to her, I am the man she believes me to be, the man she needs me to be. She might still be out of me league, but something tells me I will be climbing the leader-board real soon 🙂

A wrench is a very common tool, it can help loosen a bolt, tighten a nut, be an Impromptu hammer if needed, but the kind of wrench I am talking about today is the one that can challenge your plans. It turns out that I agreed to help my mom with my cousin’s bridal shower the Saturday of the proposal weekend. I would say that cooking wouldn’t be the ideal way to spend the day, but on the plus side I will get to show mom my the newest addition to her family!

We have to deal with little setbacks everyday, whether at work, on projects at home, or weekend plans with friends. For that reason, flexibility is beyond important in modern life. Having the flexibility to change your plans, avoid problems, or help someone in need will go along way to making all the days more enjoyable. I think Jayme and I exhibit that flexibility quite well. it is important to us both to focus on what matters in life and not bog ourselves down with what “is supposed to happen” and we react to “what does happen”. Sure the inconvenience at times can suck or that you didn’t plan to lose your debit card, but when it does happen and you have a great partner who “goes with the flow”, life becomes infinitely easier.

This reminds me of an early post I wrote about bending and not breaking. the flexibility that existed then is nothing compared to where we are now. I love having someone by my side who grows with me and not simply grows alongside me. We learn from each other, from our situations, and we share everything with each other (sans this blog of course.) I am astounded day at the woman Jayme continues to become, how, just when I think she cannot get any greater, she goes and changes what I know as love. She is no longer something seperate from who I am, but she is apart of me, without her, I am but a portion of what I have to offer. She makes the best parts of me better and the rest bareable.

And, to bring this back full circle, no matter the wrench that is put into our lives, I have no worry or concern that the situation cannot be dealt with. and like a good mechanic who is nothing without his tools, I am nothing with my babe.

No this is not the last post I will be writing, but this is a post about last times. I heard this new song (Last time for everything) and it inspired me to write about something we often don’t think about until it is too late.

I have been writing about new love, about experiencing “firsts” together with Jayme. When I told her I loved her, when we went to holidays, moving in together, the list goes on. But everything has an end. rarely do you get the chance to know that you are experiencing the last time something will happen. With Jayme the “last times” we have experienced have been good ones, last time driving to Wahpeton, last time sleeping in our dumpy old apartment. those are the types of last times that we are getting to experience right now and it is fantastic! But not all last times are those we relish.

I remember the last time I walked upstairs before I knew my parents were splitting up, the last time I got to put on a football helmet and play the game I love, the last time I got to play music for my grandma. Those last times are moments I would give anything to go back to. I want to appreciate them more, stay a little longer, walk a little slower, feel the air, savory everything. But, no matter what I would do different, they still would be those final moments, when the book closes and the memories are shelved to be remembered but never lived again. the finite finality of existence is what makes life what it is.

I want to live each moment like it might be the last of whatever I am doing, to be present in all situations and invest in those that matter. And Jayme is the center of that desire. Right now we are carefree (for the most part) settled but not stagnant, I want to make sure that I am able to give her the unbound and adventurous life we can have with no kids and limited responsibilities, so when our last day of that life ends that we are looking forward to the “firsts” and not longing for the “lasts”.

But right now, I am looking forward to the last time I call her my girlfriend and give her a title more fitting for my dedication, love, and complete devotion to her and our future life together.

The acronym above is for a TV show most people have seen. It is one of my favorites and I have recently started rewatching it. The show provides me comfort, not from the characters or anything specific really, but just the whole aesthetic. I feel the show is an old friend that I have not seen in years.

If you have not seen it, the show is based around Ted telling his kids how he met their mother. It is told almost exclusively in flashbacks. There are so many lessons you see him learn through dating and interactions with his friends. You really get the sense that the core of who he is and what he desires doesn’t change, but it is all those experiences that make him capable of being the perfect fit for his future wife. I liken my journey to meeting Jayme something similar.

I was not ready to love someone the way I love her a moment sooner then when we met. I was selfish, irresponsible, made questionable decisions, I was a much more tarnished version of myself. It took falling down multiple times to learn how to love and be myself. All of those struggles were painful and almost unbearable at times, but, in the end, they are all worth it. The prize of feeling worthy of this most special kind of love has no equal. I revel in it daily and am grateful that our paths crossed when they did, when I was ready to be the kind of partner Jayme deserved and desired.

I am excited to tell our kids someday the story of “how I met their mother“. I am sure they will listen patiently and barely care, but for me being able to tell the story is what is important. It means that we made it, that we established a family together and are continuing the journey we began back in the twilight of 2015. The next chapter in that story is coming very soon (not soon enough though). I had a day this week where I forgot that I had a ring on its way. All of a sudden I snapped back and sent my third “hey, just checking on how things are going” emails.

Jayme just asked me “what are you typing…” I guess it is time to wrap this one up early and go watch another episode!

 

 

I just had another one of those “I can’t breathe moments”. I get these sometimes. It started in Texas, when I was in my internship and forever away from family. I was told that I have anxiety. Every since that day I have managed that by cold air, sipping water, and taking my mind off of life. It works pretty well. The feeling I just got though was not induced by anxiety, but by Jayme. Readying through my posts I came to this one. after reading it and listening to some of the music tied to the nearby posts, I couldn’t fill my lungs, I felt like my heart was losing a race to nowhere. Our life was so simple, so perfectly simple. It was just about our love. We have had the amazing opportunity to know that all we need is love. That no matter what happens, as long as we have each other we will weather the storm. Build a life from nothing, win the lottery, lose it all, they are all the same as long as they include my darling.

Today I was walking back from a meeting outside. The fresh air is always a pleasant change for me. I felt the cool breeze and was just so lifted in my position in life. Jayme is to thank for all of that. She gives me life and supports me everyday. I am growing more impatient by the day to ask her to be mine. I am sure my salesperson is tired of my weekly emails, but whatever I can do to speed up the process is good for me.

I know someday you will read this Jayme, someday soon, and all I want to say right now is this. You are it for me, you always will be. I will be your best friend forever and cannot wait to grow old with you.

So I have been cleaning out my draft blog posts and this is the last one That I have. It was always going to be one of the last ones, partly because I thought we would have a pretty good idea of what we wanted it to look like. But my idea of how this post was going to go has changed. so this will be My view of that day, specially since it has become burned into my dreams more and more with each passing day.

I have been to quite a few different weddings, and with most of them, there is something that sticks out to me. My brothers’ weddings have a deep family element, each with their own defining song that will bring me back to that day (Ben’s and Adam’s). Watching someone you grew up with make the biggest decision of their life is more then moving, it is life-changing. It not only grew my family, but my understanding of the different faces love can have.

With my friends Ben and Lindsay, their wedding was beyond fun. I will always remember our bus ride from the ceremony to the reception. It felt perfect. It was what you would expect, just pure unadulterated fun. There was only smiles, only happy thoughts and at that moment I didn’t think anyone could possibility be better together then those two. It reminded me to find that person who I want to spend all the happiest days of my life at.

With Timm and Mara’s wedding I found myself convinced that everyone has their match.  Their wedding was unique and totally fit who they are. It was refreshing to see that they did things their way and didn’t bend to what others thought or what might be “traditional”.

At Jayme’s friends’ wedding we had a lot of fun, but what was the biggest memory for me was being there with Jayme’s parents. These are the people I will be asking for their blessing on my proposal. Someday they will be at My wedding and witness me and Jayme becoming one.

So what will our wedding look like? that question  has so many answers (ones I am Jayme wants input on ;). But there are a few things I know for certain.

It will have family and the coming together of all those we love and love us. Their will be a great group of friends who will celebrate with us and make sure the night is unforgettable. It will reflect our love and who we are as people. The little goofy things we do, the sweet way we talk to each other. but most of all it will have me and Jayme together sharing a table, a day, and most importantly a name. I will be hers and she mine for the rest of forever.